The utility closet Ellis had inherited and lived with for 17 years had been a cesspool of hazards to life and limb, a collection of tangible WTFs that had everyone asking an uncaring god, "What were they thinking?"

Every contractor who'd ever had to perform any amount of work in there had come away appalled. Many had even called over their buddies to come and see the stunning mess for themselves:

INTERIOR OF UTILITY ROOM SHOWING STORAGE CLOSET AT PHOTO CENTER LEFT AND HOT WATER HEATER CLOSET AT PHOTO CENTER RIGHT. VIEW TO EAST. - Bishop Creek Hydroelectric System, HAER CAL,14-BISH.V,7A-28

  • All of the electrical components, dating from the 1980s, were scarily underpowered for what they were supposed to be powering.
  • To get to the circuit breaker box—which was unlabeled, of course—one had to contort themselves around a water heater almost as tall as Ellis herself.
  • As the house had no basement, the utility closet was on the first floor in an open house plan. A serious failure with said water heater would've sent 40 gallons (150 liters) of scalding-hot tsunami surging through the living room and kitchen.
  • The furnace's return air vent had been screwed into crumbling drywall, and only prayers held it in place. Should it have fallen off, it would never have been replaceable. And Ellis' cat would've darted right in there for the adventure of a lifetime.
  • To replace the furnace filter, Ellis had to put on work gloves, unscrew a sharp sheet-metal panel from the side of the furnace, pull the old filter out from behind a brick (the only thing holding it in place), manipulate the filter around a mess of water and natural gas pipes to get it out, thread the new filter in the same way, and then secure it in place with the brick before screwing the panel back on. Ellis always pretended to be an art thief in a museum, slipping priceless paintings around security-system lasers.
  • Between the water tank, furnace, water conditioning unit, fiber optical network terminal, and router, there was barely room to breathe, much less enough air to power ignition for the gas appliances. Some genius had solved this by cutting random holes in several walls to admit air from outside. One of these holes was at floor-level. Once, Ellis opened the closet door to find a huge puddle on the floor, making her fear her hot water heater was leaking. As it turned out, a power-washing service had come over earlier that day. When they'd power-washed the exterior of her home, some of that water shot straight through one of those holes she hadn't known about, giving her utility closet a bonus bath.
  • If air intake was a problem, venting the appliances' exhaust was an even worse issue. The sheet-metal vents had calcified and rusted over time. If left unaddressed, holes could've formed that would've leaked carbon monoxide into Ellis' house.

Considering all the above, plus the fact that the furnace and air conditioner were coming up on 20 years of service, Ellis couldn't put off corrective action any longer. Last week, over a span of 3 days, contractors came in to exorcise the demons:

  • Upgrading electricals that hadn't already been dealt with.
  • Replacing the hot water tank with a wall-mounted tankless heater.
  • Replacing the furnace and AC with a heat pump and backup furnace, controlled by a new thermostat.
  • Creating new pipes for intake and venting (no more reliance on indoor air for ignition).
  • Replacing the furnace return air vent with a sturdier one.
  • Putting a special hinged door on the side of the furnace, allowing the filter to be replaced in a matter of seconds (RIP furnace brick).

With that much work to be done, there were bound to be hiccups. For instance, when the Internet router was moved, an outage occurred: for no good reason, the optical network terminal refused to talk to Ellis' Wifi router after powering back up. A technician came out a couple days later, reset the Internet router, and everything was fine again.

All in all, it was an amazing and welcome transformation. As each new update came online, Ellis was gratefully satisfied. It seemed as though the demons were finally gone.

Unbeknownst to them all, there was one last vengeful spirit to quell, one final WTF that it was hell-bent on doling out.

It was late Friday afternoon. Despite the installers' best efforts, the new thermostat still wasn't communicating with the new heat pump. Given the timing, they couldn't contact the company rep to troubleshoot. However, the thermostat was properly communicating with the furnace. And so, Ellis was left with the furnace for the weekend. She was told not to mess with the thermostat at all except to adjust the set point as desired. They would follow back up with her on Monday.

For Ellis, that was perfectly fine. With the historically cold winter they'd been enduring in her neck of the woods, heat was all she cared about. She asked whom to contact in case of any issues, and was told to call the main number. With all that squared away, she looked forward to a couple of quiet, stress-free days before diving back into HVAC troubleshooting.

Everything was fine, until it wasn't. Around 11AM on Saturday, Ellis noticed that the thermostat displayed the word "Heating" while the furnace wasn't actually running. Maybe it was about to turn on? 15 minutes went by, then half an hour. Nothing had changed except for the temperature in her house steadily decreasing.

Panic set in at the thought of losing heat in her home indefinitely. That fell on top of a psyche that was already stressed out and emotionally exhausted from the last several days' effort. Struggling for calm, Ellis first tried to call that main number line for help as directed. She noticed right away that it wasn't a real person on the other end asking for her personal information, but an AI agent. The agent informed her that the on-call technician had no availablity that weekend. It would pencil her in for a service appointment on Monday. How did that sound?

"Not good enough!" Ellis cried. "I wanna speak to a representative!"

"I understand!" replied the blithe chatbot. "Hold on, let me transfer you!"

For a moment, Ellis was buoyed with hope. She'd gotten past the automated system. Soon, she'd be talking with a live person who might even be able to walk her through troubleshooting over the phone.

The new agent answered. Ellis began pouring her heart out—then stopped dead when she realized it was another AI agent, this time with a male voice instead of a female one. This one proceeded through nearly the same spiel as the first. It also scheduled her for a Monday service appointment even though the other chatbot had already claimed to have done so.

This was the first time an AI had ever pulled such a trick on Ellis. It was not a good time for it. Ellis hung up and called the only other person she could think to contact: her sales rep. When he didn't answer, she left a voicemail and texts: no heat all weekend was unacceptable. She would really appreciate a call back.

While playing the horrible waiting game, Ellis tried to think about what she could do to fix this. They had told her not to mess with the thermostat. Well, from what she could see, the thermostat was sending a signal to the furnace that the furnace wasn't responding to for whatever reason. It was time to look at the docs. Fortunately, the new furnace's manual was resting right on top of it. She spread it open on her kitchen table.

OK, Ellis thought, this newfangled furnace has an LED display which displays status codes. Her old furnace had lacked such a thing. Lemme find that.

Inside her newly remodeled utility closet, she located the blinking display, knelt, and spied the code: 1dL. Looking that up in the doc's troubleshooting section, she found ... Normal Operation. No action.

The furnace was OK, then? Now what?

Aside from documentation, another thing Ellis knew pretty well was tech support. She decided to break out the ol' turn-it-off-and-on-again. She shut off power to both the furnace and thermostat, waited a few minutes, then switched everything back on, crossing her fingers.

No change. The indoor temperature kept dropping.

Her phone rang: the sales rep. He connected her with the on-call technician for that weekend, who fortunately was able to arrive at her house within the hour.

One tiny thermostat adjustment later, and Ellis was enjoying a warm house once more.

What had happened?

This is where an understanding of heat pumps comes into play. In this configuration, the heat pump is used for cooling and for heating, unless the outside temperature gets very cold. At that point, the furnace kicks in, which is more efficient. (Technology Connections has some cool videos about this if you're curious.)

Everything had been running fine for Ellis while the temperatures had remained below freezing. The problem came when, for the first time in approximately 12 years, the temperature rose above 40F (4C). At that point, the new thermostat decided, without telling Ellis, I'm gonna tell the HEAT PUMP to heat the joint!

... which couldn't do anything just then.

Workaround: the on-call technician switched the thermostat to an emergency heat mode that used the furnace no matter what.

Ellis had been told not to goof around with the thermostat. Even if she had, as a heat pump neophyte, she wouldn't have known to go looking for such a setting. She might've dug it up in a manual. Someone could've walked her through it over the phone. Oh, well. There is heat again, which is all that matters.

They will attempt to bring the heat pump online soon. We shall see if the story ends here, or if this becomes The WTF That Wouldn't Die.

P.S. When Ellis explained the AI answering service's deceptive behavior, she was told that the agent had been universally complained about ever since they switched to it. Fed up, they told Ellis they're getting rid of it. She feels pretty chuffed about more people seeing the light concerning garbage AI that creates far more problems than it solves.

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